I need time...

Please help me fill my dark gaps when I'm lost
Please give me time to live what I don't understand just yet,
Because time is necessary, time makes you calmer and wiser...
Understand that we don't always understand everything... we just feel it.
Time and company, kisses, hugs, company, that's all I need.
...
And eventually I will need lots of accepting and understanding too...

WISH ME STRENGTH - A tribute to self control and realization

Wish me strength

Hold my lungs asleep, one bite and a splash of freezing water

Time is scarce and the goal is reachable but so, so far away.

The time for you to take a step(further and/ or backwards) is running out

You gasp for air but all you get is smoke

You grasp for love but all you get is loneliness, bad decisions and recklessness...

Wish me clearness

Of all the things you could do...

If you keep on flowing in other's people rivers, yours will always be dry

If you keep on running with a blind in your eyes you'll keep on falling,

you'll keep on repeating the same mistakes.

Wave the fog away, leave it all at peace, let is go away, slow but steady.

Convince you're self that you are sane and able.

In order for one to feel at peace with themselves, they need to be alone often. There as to be times of loneliness so you can have those moments of bliss with others. There has to be times of study in order to put at practice all the obtained wiseness. You can't always follow other's around and still expect them to be the ones to come to you when you least expect, when you need them the most. You can't always move around doing this and that with supersonic speed and still expect to be able to easily slow down, be patient and build steady relationships, communications, conceptualizations, ideals and projects.

A lifetime of acts and decisions according to your ideals is an illusion, there will always be exceptions, there will always be times of weakness. What counts is what you do afterwards, after you decide on stopping. It's not easy... that I can say, you get addicted to unhealthy behaviors, these are often the most comfortable ones. You get you conscious dirty as a trashcan but you can't help it for a while... you feed of it like a leech, obtaining all the guilty pleasure you can get from it, until the last poisoned drop of ecstasy.

- Fawlin

On surpassing time itself

    Lately I haven't had much time on my own. My imagination and my ability to conceptualize are numb lately, that makes me a little bit worried that I may turn the autopilot mode on more that I should. Stranger, friend, you should be sure that you are leading your live the way you want if you want to feel visible in this world. It's hard to feel visible isn't it? We are so, so little...

    Everything is so fragile and impermanent that we must be present at almost all times. We are not immortal, we are forgettable, all of us. In a few years who will remember us? Immortality (metaphorical speaking, of course) is an illusion. We as individuals are mortal, so mortal and fragile that everything seems to us scary and gigantic. But as a species, we can be immortal. Where will we be in a thousand years...? It is up to us to discover some more paths to our successors. Will we be good ancestors? Humanity as a species has the ability to reach several conscience, mind and emotional states that will allow us to ... I don't even know, my brain is tired (as I'm writing this at 3am, with a weak long of badly slept nights behind me)... I have all this images, separate words, concepts and sounds in my mind - all mixed together in a noisy amount of feelings and sensations- that I can't quite put to words right now (and sometimes not even in my best days).

    Today I read some essays from a webs-site/potential millennium institution called The Long Now, they've been working on a project called the 10, 000 year clock. The clocks are to be installed in several deserted locations (mainly mountains), with melodies (all different from each other) it marks the time at a long term distance...

"Serve the long view,
Reward patience
Mind mythic depth
Ally with competition
Take no sides
Leverage longevity"
But live in the now...



- Fawlin

MY HOME

Lonely thoughts they seep, into mind

into me
pushing deep
Wash the dirt, a hard days work
Know my place
On my own
No poison in my bones
On my own
This is where I build my home

My home,
this will always be my home

I work until it's late
Walk in and close the gate
I look in the window
and I gaze at my face
Every line and every abrasion
This took my life to make
This took my life to make
On my own
No poison in my bones
On my own, this is where I build my home
My home

I need someone, to hold
I need someone, to hold
My home
This will always be my home
This will always be my home

- Ellie <3 

(Ellie Golding)

This music resonated in me. It's my home (myself) but life is better when shared, so I'm glad to give the best of my hospitality. Be it whoever it may be. I am living to my maximum, enjoying others company and love whoever finds me along the way.

I'm unapologetic. Right now, despite all the obstacles, I am where I want to be. I am invincible, I may look (and sometimes be) fragile and lost... but my home is always ready to keep safe all the little scattered pieces of my self and hold me to sleep and rest before diving deep again. Rest for a long time, alone, if needed. Before and after all the beautiful noise.

Yours, 

me

Things about living with other human beings

Hello my friends,

    Today I bring you matters of the heart (-- again, I might say). When you love someone, a friend, a family member, a partner of any kind, you make compromises. When you love someone, you try your best to let the right message come across, you are honest with them and yourself. These are things I am loving to learn, these are things that never made more sense to me then now.
    I don't know what happened but I feel much more... connected. I now know how to observe others and myself, I now know when I need time on my own and when to reach out for company, and I also feel more able to understand loved one's emotions and feelings... Of course this is yet something to test in the day-to-day life, but I can now say I feel much more... like myself. It's a type of balance I do not want to loose and I am willing to do everything I can to not loose it.

    I'm still on vacation so I've been playing a lot of an anti-social game called Sims3 (yes--- I know, it's a silly time-consuming game... but it's entertaining), sleeping a lot and almost never leaving the house for days and days. But my body is ready, bring it on world ! Tie me up, smack me hard, toss me around, and I will just rise from self-pity all over again. I'm ready to love.

Much love, 

Fawlin

 

Under Attack

    I'm being attacked by hyper-moodiness today, I was supposed to write something nice, I was going to tell you the story of two of my feline friends, Tashi and Pacholas... But I don't seem to be able to assemble feelings and basic concepts into words. I guess we all feel this every now and then, but I'm not quite used to feel like this so often, I'm under attack right now O_O. I hope my possibly-still-not-existent readers are feeling great, and not as moody as I am. I'm not being very good at mindfullness right now, my mind couldn't be more far away from a lake with clear water (mind's natural and best state, they say). Everything is not clear. I'm happy, yes, things are going fine, but things are also going. Usually things don't go much around here, now stuff is happening and for "once" (ok not once but yeah...) in my life I don't want to run away from anything at all. I want to face everything head on, proud brave heart and working good and fast brain.

    I hope I don't get too addicted to stuff happening ... or too overwhelmed

Academic Stressing

Hello person,

    Five years have passed since I met my ex-best friend, we are no longer together in any way we did in the past. For five years we talked everyday of our lives, for five years I didn't know I was putting her in a pedestal too high for me to actually reach in time to realize we always had a lot of unsolved issues cluttering our friendship. She herself climbed to that pedestal, and she probably is aware of that. Every person who thinks they're a genius without even accomplishing anything in their area of expertise is, I think, a bit delusional. They can, however, think and say they have genius potential,  that's called "recognizing our own potential to achieve our own greatness" (however great it may be). Five years of trying to make myself feel equal to her and always feeling like I had to look up to her. Now, in the sixth year - the first year I will spend without her - I realized some truths were always in front of me.  And still I sometimes feel this gigantic anger towards her that I cannot entirely explain.

    Two years have passed since I started attending University, I will now be a senior in my hopefully last year. For two years I got myself involved with, mostly, the best people I could find, for two years I almost always put fun with new friends in front of all the studying I also should be doing. I got myself in a hard situation, I was aware of it all year(s) long. Everyone has their trust for me a little bit tainted now, they know I can finish this and do a good job, but they will never stop nagging me about my past mistakes and I have to not feel trapped by negativity. Two years of wonderful experiences, adventures and an awful lack of self-control. Now, in my senior year - the first year I will spend apart from my ex-best friend and my last year of University - I must work harder then ever and build back my self-esteem, self-control and sense of worthiness as an independent but cooperative young adult woman (haha this so looks like self-pep-talk, doesn't it?).

I hope you are not an emotional nakedness prude hehe.
Have a good morning/afternoon/night : 3
And wish me luck for my next emotional roller-coaster...